HMPF. I am on a downer again! So WARNING THIS IS A MORBID POST.
All i have been on about for the past two weeks is how i am ill, in which I’ve developed pulled muscles on one side of ribs yadie yadie yada… basically i can’t move at all!! it’s like i am being stabbed. Unfortunately it’s stopped me from going tot he gym in which I’ve started a new regimen to hopefully finally get me in a body i love and feel comfortable in. Due to the ribs I’ve had to stay still in bed a lot which has left me to brood constantly. I just have felt so fat and distant to EVERYTHING for so long and its like some kind of cosmic joke that i finally push myself out and start exercising with my friends in public (in which for years i was terrified of doing) that i have an injury. It’s really playing on my mind… like i am destined to be uncomfortable all my life.
Being in a body that i do not love, a body which i am embarrassed to own… i don’t even recognise it; tortures me everyday. None of my friends entirely understand how much it affects me. To constantly have this… i don’t even know… this mass surrounding me all the time is suffocating. It’s alien to me it isn’t part of me i can’t stress that enough. It’s like I’ve never been touched by a human, no real hug, no one has ever touched me nor have i touched them. To constantly live in hiding trying to hide my shame, my secret is tiring ripping myself a part. I just honestly believed that this was my time to be in control and then the universe has stuck me down. again.
Getting impatient i am ready to start the last part of my journey into becoming me, being stuck in purgatory honestly crushes my spirit. i don’t care about having the most gorgeous body i don’t care about that, i just want to look presentable naked. I want to recognise who i am in the mirror. i hate this parasite, i fear it’s stronger than me..
Theres someone online wanting to meet up with me and so and so (if you catch my drift) but i just can’t do it, i can’t show anyone my shame and i won’t let anyone touch it. it’s embarrassing for me and its embarrassing for them, no one wants to embrace such an ugly compound of fat. All my life it has separated me from others and up until about 15 i didn’t mind i wasn’t ready for sex. i am ready to get intimate with people and get closer. i have been for 2 years but yet i just can’t seem to let go of this burden, nor does it want to let go of me. i want to feel someone touch my chest and for me to not automatically push them away emotionally swell as physically.
it’s not about being a virgin and not being sexually active (at all… no joke as embarrassing as this is I’ve never gotten further than french kissing) it’s about embracing someone and them embrace you knowing that they aren’t repulsed. people think i am think because i dress to look thin, so online when strangers (i am being too truth today) see the truth underneath my shirt… seeing their disappointment.. their instant repulsion kills me every time. a genuine stabbing pain in the heart.
i am not a monster underneath this horrible exterior.