Stuck

I CANT SEEM TO TYPE OR MAKE SENSE. SO THIS IS AN ANGRY POST.

i have been on wordpress every day reading the new posts. i miss being able to just type and it be fluid. see that wasn’t very fluid at all.

I don’t know where myy ability to verbalise my emotions thoughts or whatever i don’t fucking know. I’m at an age where I’m chafing by the hour mentally and emotionally and its frustrating. whats worse i just can’t put it into words so therefore i can move past it.

 

im so fucking stuck in this cycle. i want to come on wordpress and open up and make sense of something but i cant

 

i have written so many posts but deleted them all just because i don’t like them and they don’t seem natural of me.

 

i even wrote a top 10 pokemon post which was fantastic but it just wasn’t interesting. i mean i could talk about them no problem and it be amazing but i just can’t type what i actually want to say.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

CUNT

ALL I WANT IS WINE. someone take me out for wine.

 

but just as an update i was out in sheffield the other day again the clubs were good. saw a guy a get glassed int he face right in front of me. so much blood. it was great.

 

got ynot this week hopefully I’m gunna get drunk high and fucked. so i dunno.

this is probably there worse thing I’ve written so I’m sorry but its also the most honest post i can do right now.

 

im also a little lonely but yet. oh and results day is getting close fuck my life.

anyway l8r  xxxxx

69’ing at Prom

The other week it was my year 13 leaver’s ball and I was determined to get trashed to celebrate the 7 years of fucking torture of the wasteland of an educational institute. So I turned up at the venue a little “turnt up myself”. The liquid courage helped me easily slip back into social norms which I have neglected since I’ve become a recluse since leaving school. For some reason I’ve missed being alone I have spent so much time trying to fit in with my friends which is increasingly harder when I’m changing so much day by day. I love the friends I have but its more a marriage of convenience, playground politics dominated my school in which if you was in the “in crowd” you stay with the “in crowd”.

To my personal favorite afterwards we all went out on West Street in Sheffield to a bar that I’m not too fond of called Players. I had put away 2 and a half bottles of white wine at that point so I was there the finish the job. It was a Wednesday night and it was deserted but I couldn’t care less even if I was sober id dance on my own on an empty dance floor. After all for me life is learning to dance by your-self. Anyway al my school friend filled the dance floor with their drinks dancing away while I get rowdy with every sip.

To my absolute excitement the DJ announced a competition on the stage to win a bottle of “bubbly”. If you know me I am a borderline alcoholic I was ready to win that at any costs. Luckily I was chosen as one of four contestants so I stumbled up the stage, game face on with 3 of my friends. Round One Twerking. Slayed I can twerk like Beyoncé herself this down and I. However my dancer friend Shannon did incredible things with her booty I know she was going win but I never do things half arsed. Second round we had to choose a partner and had to perform a sexual act, got doggy style with my friend Lisa I slated the other male contestant Dan. I have rhythm like you wouldn’t believe when alcohol is in front of me! Last Round 69, at the point me and Lisa new Shannon had a lead as she did an amazing lap dance so we went full out. We pretty much 69’ed on stage, I had ass sweat on my face determined to get me some champagne. Unfortunately because it was an audience vote filled with mainly Shannon friends despite Lisa and me adamantly declaring our supremacy we were denied the Champagne. However, the DJ knew that Lisa and me deserved to win despite our tasteless schoolmates so he gave us a bottle of Champagne too. We were so FUCKING HAPPY, WE WAS SO DRUNK AFTER THAT AND JUST PARTIED THE NIGHT AWAY!

In our drunkenness we also told the DJ afterwards we were brother and sister. He was disgusted at what he believed he whiteness incest we found it funny.

Anyway I’m glad I have posted finally as it has been so long… I am currently going through this whole mental warfare with myself… accepting who I am and who I could be so raise the rainbow flags someone. I don’t know it’s a lot right now

L8R x

😜😜😜😜p

Peoplentrying to dilemcr me bit inneed to some entertainment

my train is about to crash

I have my A2 EXAMS LITERALLY ON MY DOOR STEP, the inevitability of me failing is becoming heavier and heavier. I am trying really hard but going to school then getting home and then expecting to revise is just too hard. I am so tired all the time. I am trying stay motivated but when you jus that your life at the moment and just despise who you are it;s hard to sieve that out. Cause i have no time i have had to take another back off from the gym… I’m getting fatter and it breaks my heart. I cannot help but think what is the point of this stress when its so clear i am going to fail. it breaks my heart i don’t know how  can face my mum on results day… I’m in tears just as i am typing at the thought of it.

 

I am ill again and the stress is making me even worse. i have stress induced IBS so this is never a pretty match. I feel so lonely like as if no one understands at home right now. Most of my friends are experiencing the same thing but i think they’re dealing with it better and to be honest they are in a better position. 

 

What I’m really saying is like i feel like I’m on a train and i know its going to crash, but i cannot get off. How do i stay calm about a doomed fate and future? thats probably so over dramatic but i want amazing things and as i get more mature i just realise how much of a fantasy that is. growing up sucks. i hate it. 

always the bridesmaid

im a little drunk so bare with me!

 

I’ve been out tp the local clubs for my friends birthdays which was meant to be fun. its so close to my exams so i was never gunna get too drunk drunk cause it was like exams. so yeah. but theres this girl she’s called ellie and she’s so hot she’s beautiful its crazy and like she wanted my friends weeks ago  but that ended for two reasos he has a girlfriends and just life.

 

well tonight she wanted me… i was so excited all i wanted was just just be confident enough to get on her and just do something without giving  ahit if I’m worth it or not. however, the only night i was sober enough to be ready for something so perfect my best friend sam spilt two jager bombs all over my crotch. it was so sticky and wet all night. my testicals hahah (love that word) was sticking to my thighs) i just felt like dirty however me and ellie shared a few kisses ahahahha.

 

but i never sealed it and my best friend C who has the girlfriend wanted to go home. i soon realised that she was trying to make him and my other best mate H jelous. there both insanely good looking its unreal then theres me. just a tool for other people.

 

I’ve never felt so ugly, so disgusting. so glad I’m home… i feel desperate so desperate and to be honest i wanna talk to this guy who I’ve met in gay chat rooms and just talk on Skype. (i have an awful history of “c2c” with strange men on Skype, but he’s my age and a decent guy and he gets me sort of i dunno. i love girls but cause I’m not out as aa per suer of men too i can never be honest.

 

this is so disjointed… i hope someone can give me advice to sort my head out…

 

thank god that MacBooks have spell check

 

byway how is everyone??? love all you guys seriously. 

night

Z X

UGLY

-My wonky nose

-My lack of cheek bones

-My lack of a jaw line

– My double chin

-My Chubby Cheeks

-My lack of Facial and Chest hair

-My lack of Collar Bones

-My Man boobs

-My flabby and shapeless body

-My Beyoncé esq love handles

-My excessive belly hair

-My Belly

-My non muscular back

– My flabby thighs

-My out of proportion calves

 

This is a list of things that haunt me everyday. I try endlessly to get rid of these i do! however, unforeseen factors linger and push me back.

 

I will not accept them. I will not love them. I will always mourn for the person inside who never got to live.

been absent!

Been gone so much has happened, positive and negative… mainly negative but back on a good path right now so less of that!!

Recently I have been thinking about whom I want to be when I go to university. I have decided if I don’t get into my firm (Birmingham University to do Biosciences) that I am going to take a year out and boost my grades and try again next year. But that’s beside the point. Playground politics is seriously tiring me out, and to be quite serious I no longer want to be suppressed.

 

I feel like knowing these people for so long where anything you do no matter how much you change just gets ridiculed. i want to be able to explore new things about myself, explore new people and new cultures. Explore sex without it feeling incestuous, AS EVERYONE KNOWS EACH OTHER AND YOUVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR YEARS. I really feel like a stranger within my body right now, so much has happened and I haven’t even had the chance to learn about myself an exciting prospect really, which knows who I will be…

 

What I do find daunting is when I come on word press and read you guys’ blogs and your posts… everyone seems so much mature so much surer of them selves and who they are. I am still at that fetal stage where I surprise myself all the time, as I don’t expect my reaction to anything. I am also envious at how people have experienced so much in regards to love and sex when such a daunting and vulnerable area for me due to my self-confidence issues.

 

Anyways that’s a little insight to where my head is right now

 

If anyone is at Birmingham University please let me know what you think about it? (In particularly the nightlife that would be fantastic xxx)

 

Phoenix X

 

 

SHEFFIELD!

Finally me and all my friends are going to sheffield tomorrow night to get absolutely FUCKED/SPEIGHTED/VOLDEMORTED/SMASHED. I have had a really bad few weeks with stress and finally i get to really let my hair down and have some real fun. Rather than just get drunk in my home town which can’t be really repetitive if your like me who possibly has a slight dependancy on drugs and alcohol. joking but I’m not.

 

Especially that i have founded out that all the guys in my family are going to benidorm without me. didn’t even get an invite never mind a thought… my dads going, he didn’t even tell me until today. they go tomorrow. even my half brother was asked. they’ve known for months. so my mums divorcing my dad.

 

yeahhh ahhaha wheres the vodka?

 

anyway love you guys, does anyone know of any good clubs in sheff to hit?

 

Z x

DONT GET OFF WITH STRANGERS.

I WAS DRUNK AND GOT OFF WITHT THIS GIRL LITERALLY AMONGST A GUTTER IN TOWN AND GOT TONSILLITIS. 

anyway now thats off my chest i can get to the point. I have been really down lately, literally swamped in an abyss. everything i have been avoiding finally came to a head leading to me breaking down in my bedroom. Literally just crying, feeling choked, over heating and per eating. not attractive, don’t judge me.

Anyway so for the past few weeks i have been totally lost and just didn’t want to bore wordpress and my lack of followers with depressing posts. which this is… kind of. regardless i have decided i am going to be productive. going to be happy even if it kills me. Looking back at my posts they are all MORBID. WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO READ THAT WHO WANTS TO WRITE THAT? my favourite blogs are happy sort of… we’ll don’t just dwell on how fucking depressed they are. Anyway even though i feel like shit right now i am seriously going to utilise this website for what it can be.

 

I think i wanna get involved with this community more to be honest! so people hit me up!

anyway much love and shit!

 

Z X

zachmacht.tumblr.com

BODY SUIT

HMPF. I am on a downer again! So WARNING THIS IS A MORBID POST.

All i have been on about for the past two weeks is how i am ill, in which I’ve developed pulled muscles on one side of ribs yadie yadie yada… basically i can’t move at all!! it’s like i am being stabbed. Unfortunately it’s stopped me from going tot he gym in which I’ve started a new regimen to hopefully finally get me in a body i love and feel comfortable in. Due to the ribs I’ve had to stay still in bed a lot which has left me to brood constantly. I just have felt so fat and distant to EVERYTHING for so long and its like some kind of cosmic joke that i finally push myself out and start exercising with my friends in public (in which for years i was terrified of doing) that i have an injury. It’s really playing on my mind… like i am destined to be uncomfortable all my life.

 

Being in a body that i do not love, a body which i am embarrassed to own… i don’t even recognise it; tortures me everyday. None of my friends entirely understand how much it affects me. To constantly have this… i don’t even know… this mass surrounding me all the time is suffocating. It’s alien to me it isn’t part of me i can’t stress that enough. It’s like I’ve never been touched by a human, no real hug, no one has ever touched me nor have i touched them. To constantly live in hiding trying to hide my shame, my secret is tiring ripping myself a part. I just honestly believed that this was my time to be in control and then the universe has stuck me down. again.

 

Getting impatient i am ready to start the last part of my journey into becoming me, being stuck in purgatory honestly crushes my spirit. i don’t care about having the most gorgeous body i don’t care about that, i just want to look presentable naked. I want to recognise who i am in the mirror. i hate this parasite, i fear it’s stronger than me..

Theres someone online wanting to meet up with me and so and so (if you catch my drift) but i just can’t do it, i can’t show anyone my shame and i won’t let anyone touch it. it’s embarrassing for me and its embarrassing for them, no one wants to embrace such an ugly compound of fat. All my life it has separated me from others and up until about 15 i didn’t mind i wasn’t ready for sex. i am ready to get intimate with people and get closer. i have been for 2 years but yet i just can’t seem to let go of this burden, nor does it want to let go of me. i want to feel someone touch my chest and for me to not automatically push them away emotionally swell as physically. 

it’s not about being a virgin and not being sexually active (at all… no joke as embarrassing as this is I’ve never gotten further than french kissing) it’s about embracing someone and them embrace you knowing that they aren’t repulsed. people think i am think because i dress to look thin, so online when strangers (i am being too truth today)  see the truth underneath my shirt… seeing their disappointment.. their instant repulsion kills me every time. a genuine stabbing pain in the heart.

i am not a monster underneath this horrible exterior. 

Zx